6 things a narcissist does when caught lying

Introduction

Narcissism isn’t just about taking too many selfies or talking about yourself all the time. It’s a complex personality trait, often characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance and a lack of empathy. But what happens when a narcissist is caught lying? Understanding the typical reactions can be crucial, especially if you’re dealing with a narcissistic individual in your personal or professional life. This article will unpack six common behaviors a narcissist might display when they’re caught in a lie. Whether you’re trying to navigate a difficult relationship or just want to understand the psychology behind it all, read on.

1. Denial

Describing the First Instinct: Outright Denial

Let’s start with the most straightforward reaction: denial. When caught in a lie, a narcissist’s initial impulse is often to flat-out deny the allegation, irrespective of the evidence stacked against them. They’re betting on the chance that their assertive manner might make you second-guess yourself.

Real-Life Examples or Scenarios

Picture this: You confront a narcissistic co-worker about them taking credit for your work. Instead of owning up or discussing it, they simply deny it ever happened. Even when you bring evidence like email trails or project files, they stick to their guns. This unflinching denial is a go-to strategy for many narcissists, serving to throw you off balance and protect their self-image.

The point here isn’t necessarily to convince you they’re telling the truth, but to create enough doubt that the lie can coexist with their version of reality. In essence, they’re not just lying to you; they’re also lying to themselves.

So, denial isn’t just a river in Egypt; in the context of narcissism, it’s a defense mechanism that comes into play the moment they’re caught red-handed. Recognizing this pattern can be the first step in learning how to deal with it effectively.

2. Gaslighting

Explanation of What Gaslighting Is

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where the narcissist tries to make you question your own memory, perception, or even sanity. It’s like a mental sleight of hand, turning the focus away from their lie and making you the subject of scrutiny instead.

How Narcissists Use It to Make You Doubt Your Own Memory or Perception

Imagine you’ve caught a narcissistic partner in a lie—perhaps about where they were last night. Instead of admitting it, they might say something like, “You’re always so paranoid,” or “You have a wild imagination.” These statements serve to confuse you and make you question whether you got it wrong.

The strategy here is insidious because it’s not just about protecting their lie; it’s about eroding your confidence in your own judgment. If they can get you to question yourself, then they’ve muddied the waters enough to escape immediate consequences.

Real-Life Scenarios

In a workplace setting, a narcissistic boss caught lying about project deadlines might claim you misunderstood their instructions. Or they could say they never received an important email from you, despite you having proof of the sent message. The goal is always the same: to shift the focus and make you doubt your own recollection of events.

Gaslighting is particularly damaging because it can lead to emotional exhaustion and a sense of helplessness for the person on the receiving end. Awareness of this tactic is crucial; knowing what you’re up against is the first step in combating it effectively.

3. Shifting the Blame

Discuss How Narcissists Might Try to Make It Your Fault That They Lied

Ever heard the phrase, “It’s not you, it’s me”? In the world of narcissism, it’s often more like, “It’s not me, it’s you.” When caught in a lie, a narcissist may try to flip the script, insisting that they were forced into dishonesty because of something you did or didn’t do.

Scenarios Illustrating This Behavior

For example, if a narcissistic friend borrows money and doesn’t pay it back, they might blame you for their failure to repay the loan. They could argue that you “pressured” them into borrowing the money in the first place, or that your expectation of repayment is unreasonable. The objective here is simple: deflect attention and responsibility away from their own dishonesty.

In a family setting, a narcissistic parent might blame their spouse for their own infidelity, claiming that emotional neglect or lack of attention “forced” them into the arms of another person. While this tactic might sound outrageous, it can be surprisingly effective in diverting attention and diluting responsibility.

The Psychological Underpinnings

Shifting the blame often works because it leverages guilt and confusion, making you defensive and thus less likely to focus on the narcissist’s original lie. You might find yourself preoccupied with defending your own actions, thereby providing them with an opportunity to slip out of the noose of accountability.

Being aware of this tactic can help you stay focused on the issue at hand, which is the dishonest behavior of the narcissist. Knowing what to look out for can make it easier to stand your ground and hold them accountable for their actions.

4. Playing the Victim

How Narcissists Manipulate the Situation to Appear as the Victim

Taking on the role of the victim is another tactic that narcissists frequently employ when caught in a lie. Instead of owning up to their actions, they might portray themselves as the real sufferers in the situation, subjected to unfair scrutiny or accusations.

Examples to Make It Relatable

Imagine you catch a narcissistic colleague plagiarizing your work. Rather than admitting fault, they might spin a story about how they’ve been overwhelmed with personal issues or stress at work, insinuating that you’re insensitive for calling them out. The aim here is to garner sympathy and divert attention away from their dishonesty.

In a romantic relationship, a narcissistic partner caught cheating might claim they felt “trapped” or “suffocated,” and that the affair was a desperate cry for help. It’s a calculated move to elicit your sympathy and redirect the narrative in their favor.

The Underlying Strategy

The victim-playing tactic is a smokescreen, designed to appeal to your empathetic side. You may find yourself feeling guilty for accusing them in the first place, even when you have every right to confront their dishonest behavior. The tactic works because it creates a conflict between your logical understanding of the situation and your emotional response to their perceived suffering.

Recognizing when a narcissist is playing the victim can be crucial. It helps you separate the emotional drama they create from the actual issue, which is their lying. Once you’re aware of this strategy, it’s easier to keep the conversation focused on their actions and the need for accountability.

5. Counterattack

Description of How They May Go on the Offensive

Sometimes, when cornered, a narcissist chooses the best defense as a strong offense. Instead of squirming out of the lie, they might launch a counterattack aimed at undermining your credibility. The idea is to discredit you so thoroughly that your original accusation loses its weight.

Typical Phrases or Tactics Used

You might hear phrases like, “You’re always so dramatic,” or “You have trust issues.” In more extreme cases, they could even start bringing up unrelated past mistakes you’ve made to dilute the focus on their lie. The approach is akin to throwing mud to see what sticks; if they can put you on the defensive, they’ve successfully redirected the conversation.

In professional settings, this could look like a narcissistic manager questioning your competence or work ethic when they’re the ones caught cutting corners. It’s a high-stakes game aimed at destabilizing your confidence and diverting attention away from their own misconduct.

The Potential Impact

This tactic can be jarring and emotionally draining. You may find yourself scrambling to defend your character instead of addressing their dishonesty. The end game for the narcissist is to turn the tables so effectively that they escape accountability and even cast you as the antagonist.

Being cognizant of the counterattack strategy can help you stay anchored in the facts of the situation. By keeping a level head, you can redirect the conversation back to their lie, thereby resisting their attempts to muddy the waters.

6. Silent Treatment

Explanation of How Some Narcissists Might Withdraw or Ignore You

When all else fails, some narcissists resort to the silent treatment as a last-ditch effort to avoid accountability. By going radio silent, they hope to frustrate you into dropping the subject altogether. It’s a passive-aggressive form of emotional manipulation designed to exert control and leave you in a state of uncertainty.

The Psychological Impact of the Silent Treatment

Being on the receiving end of the silent treatment can be incredibly unsettling. It fosters a toxic environment where issues go unresolved and resentment builds. For the person trying to confront the lie, it often feels like being caught in emotional quicksand, slowly being sucked into a draining cycle of confusion and self-doubt.

Real-World Examples

In a friendship, the narcissist might ghost you for days or weeks after being called out for lying, only to resurface later as if nothing happened. In a work setting, a narcissistic coworker might start ignoring your emails and avoiding you in meetings when they’re caught in a lie, hoping you’ll get the message and back off.

Recognizing the silent treatment for what it is—a tactic to avoid accountability—can help you approach the situation more effectively. While it’s tempting to let the issue slide just to restore peace, doing so only enables the narcissist’s behavior.

In summary, the silent treatment is not a sign of surrender but a tactical withdrawal. Understanding this can help you decide on the best course of action to hold the narcissist accountable, whether it’s setting boundaries or seeking a mediated resolution.